My Favorite Things

Well, I'm not getting any younger. Thirteen and still not married. Not even a girlfriend.  The Girl Who Sits Next To Me doesn't even know I exist, except when she wants to copy my paper. How can we be so close and yet so far apart? And there's this other girl I like, cute as a puffin, but I don't know how to approach her, 'cause she's so good at everything: Art, English, Science, sculpting with her mashed potatoes. Her name is Renee Sonce.

And I sure don't want to end up like my Uncle Dave, unmarried and mooching free meals from everyone, who tries to impress the ladies by saying, "I once met that guy from the Dr. Pepper commercials."

 So I've joined a dating site, free of course, and I'm working on what 's called my "profile". Naturally, my pic speaks for itself, which should knock the ladies for a loop, but for those who want to delve further into the real Stinky Fitzwizzle, here's a portion where I include a list of my favorite things:

Favorite Breakfast Drink: Tang
Favorite 50s Sitcom: Leave It To Beaver
Favorite Amusement Park Ride: Tunnel Of Love
Favorite James Bond Movie: Octopussy
Favorite Gunsmoke Character: Miss Kitty
Favorite Snack: Hot Pocket
Favorite Guy Ritchie Movie: Snatch
Favorite Beer: Busch
Favorite Carpentry Project: Trim
Favorite Ballpark Seats: Box
Favorite Rex  Harrison Movie: The Honey Pot
Favorite Hand Warmer: Muff

If this don't get 'em, I don't know what will. How can any woman resist?

My profile pic. Ladies, resistance is futile.