Stinky Was Robbed!

Stinky normally has little call to bellyache, what with his looks, and his smarts, and his charisma that makes the ladies swoon, and his charmed life in general, but this time, Stinky is compelled to say that Stinky was robbed. For those of you preoccupied by less important things and not in the know, Stinky was running for Class President of I. P. Daley Middle School. And the results, shall we say, were not of the expected variety.

There were several candidates running against Stinky, including Jill Stye, a mashugana who wanted clean, filtered H2O in the water fountains, and the double-phallic named Rod Johnson, who insisted on the decriminalization of chewing gum in the classrooms. Crazy talk, Stinky knows, so naturally they had no chance of garnering any votes.

Then there was this other kid, Ronald Rump, who looked like, if he bathed at all, he bathed in Coppertone QT. He exhibited occasional troubling behavior, like threatening everyone with lawsuits,  giving little kids noogies, and grabbing girls any size by the pussy. "They just let you do it," was his defense. This earned him the nickname of Orange Roughy. But this did not preclude him from running for higher office, because it is a free country. For now.

Stinky does not wish to sound catty, so he will admit that some of Ronald's platform had some appeal to the student's baser instincts: free dessert bar in the cafeteria, and make the teachers pay for it; expulsion of all students from the Eastside who have a generous allowance of melanin; teachers to display their teaching certificates (long form) in the classroom; and the return of the decimated Yearbook publishing jobs back to the local economy. How he would accomplish this did not occur to anyone to ask.

The name-calling was especially discomforting, particularly when it came to involve Stinky. Ronald referred to Jill as "Pig Stye", and Rod as "Little Johnson", which, likely due to a locker room incident, made him weep a little. Hilarious, to be sure, but Stinky draws the line when Stinky is attacked. He began calling me "Crooked Stinky", Stinky assumes because of his poor posture. Over the line! says Stinky.

So Election Day rolls around, after a brief 15-month campaign, and Stinky is feelin' pretty good, what with all the projection polls in Stinky's favor. In fact, Stinky overwhelmingly wins the popular vote, by some accounts in the double digits. Then Stinky is informed of something called the Electoral Middle School, an illogical and arcane way of distributing the popular vote to determine the winner. It makes Stinky's head spin, and other parts of him don't feel too good, neither.

Is it any wonder that Stinky maintains that he was robbed? Does Stinky dare say the process is rigged?

Yes, Stinky do dare.

I wore my best clothes, and I still lost!