At least I'm not constantly cooped up in my room. I get to occasionally watch a movie with him, as long as I keep my lip buttoned and not ask any stupid questions. But how am I supposed to learn anything if I don't ask questions? Like the time my dad said before showing me a movie, "Joel McCrea only made westerns after the war." I wanted to ask, "Which war and who's Joel McCrea?", but I didn't want to risk a smack upside the head.
So we sit down to watch a movie, which my dad describes as a Cold War spy thriller. Couldn't help it, I had to ask: Why do the call it a Cold War? Dad gives it some thought, and says, "Because it's always cold in Russia."
Turns out it's this movie called The Double Man, and boy is it a stinkeroo on a platter. It stars this old bald guy named Yul (rhymes with "uncool") Brynner. When I say bald, I don't mean like my Uncle Roscoe bald, I mean shaved head bald. And, believe it or else, women in the picture seem to go for him! I can't believe what I'm seeing, and I know better than to say anything out loud, so I just look at my dad, and he just shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Women."
So here's where we come to what we in the blogosphere call "spoilers", where I discuss things in the movie that are supposed to be surprises. If you still want to see this turdburger, go away. Otherwise, read on.
Yul Brynner plays this CIA agent who has only one look on his face: constipation. It so happens that his teenage son is killed in a skiing accident, so he travels to the Austrian Alps for his son's funeral. Curious his son's body wouldn't be sent home to the States, but then he wouldn't have any reason to go to the Alps, would he? Then he starts thinking that it was no accident, but he was killed on purpose. In other words, murder!
So he starts asking questions. Questions. And more questions. But he's not real good at it, because he has to meet up with one person about four times before he finally gets around to asking her what he wants to know. Chiefly, who killed my son? Duh. In the meantime, he skis with her, and lots of it looks really phony. My dad said it looked bad because it was "rear projection". I didn't ask, but I think it means it was projected out of some one's rear.
Okay, here comes the spoilers. We finally discover, now that the movie's nearly over, that the Russians (or are they East Germans? Who knows?) enticed Yul Brynner over to the Alps so they could replace him with another secret agent who looks exactly like him! (Also played by Yul Brynner. As if one of him weren't enough). Man, I didn't see that one coming! (Sarcasm). And instead of killing him in a secluded farmhouse where they have him captured and tied up, the evil agents let him get away while trying to transport him. Didn't see that one coming, either. (More sarcasm).
A chase ensues, mostly in the dark where it's hard to see what's happening. Also more phony skiing with more butt projection. Then the two Yul Brynners meet, and you'll never guess what happens.
On the bright side, there's this really pretty girl in the movie named Britt Eckland. She's really pretty, even though she has monkey-ears that kinda stick out. But she reminds me of this girl who sits in front of me in English class, Vera Similitude, who smells like strawberries. I like strawberries.
Dad and I both agreed that this was one big, fat, steaming turkey. I asked him (safely, once the movie was over) why he chose it, and he said because it was directed by someone named Franklin J. Schaffner, who directed some good movies, like Patton and Planet of the Apes. But Dad and I both agreed that this was one that should be kept off the resume.
Finally, I asked Dad if Yul Brynner was a really big star, and he assured me he was. I asked him why. He thoughtfully scratched his head, and said, "I have no earthly idea why."
The Double Man. It stinks in any language.
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